When a simple text goes unanswered
My friend texts me out of the blue on a weeknight. I am surprised and delighted to hear from her! She misses me and wants to make plans to hang soon. Absolutely! I think to myself. Before composing a reply, I dive into brainstorming mode: We could go out for brunch, and split sweet and savory entrees… Then we could go apple picking, and take fall-themed selfies…
Buzz! My plans are interrupted by the dryer. Chastising myself for leaving my clothes to wrinkle last time, I set aside my phone. While wrangling a pile of lavender-fresh shirts, my boss calls. There’s an email in my inbox I should peek at before tomorrow morning. After reading and processing the email for a bit, I grab a snack. I notice my fridge looks sparse…
A full hour later, I’ve immersed myself in the latest episode of “The Golden Bachelor” and the task of meal planning for next week.
The status of my friend’s message? A middle place: I like to call it text message purgatory. It’s when we open messages, read them, and then forget to reply. I wish I could say I rarely do this, but I do it all the time. I know I’m not the only one.
It’s not all our fault. We’re busier than ever these days, constantly multitasking, and transitioning back and forth from one task to another, in both the digital and physical space. Our brains adjust to adapt to our fast-paced environment, jettisoning details between transitions to make space for new information. (Case and point: when we lose track of a text message due to myriad small interruptions.)
Why friendship often comes last
However, when it comes to our friends, I think the main culprit is lack of prioritization. Our society tends to argue that friendship takes a backseat to other relationships. We’re told that friends “play a supporting role to work, family, and romance.” Work, kids, family, dating, responsibilities around the house… Once that’s all done, we finally get around to picking up the phone. The task of making plans – let alone keeping them – is like bad choreography. In “The Six Forces That Fuel Friendship,” Atlantic writer Julie Beck shares, “I personally find that the effort of coordinating hangs (or even phone calls) is the biggest barrier to seeing my friends.”
Let’s say your old friend reaches out to get quinoa bowls on Tuesday night. It isn’t that you don’t want to get together — or don’t like quinoa. It’s just that the babysitter is sick, and your spouse is working late again. How about next week?Oops. Never mind, that’s no good either. You say you’ll touch base in a couple weeks. You both forget to follow up. The dance is achingly predictable.
Between our busy schedules and the world telling us we need to prioritize literally everything else, how do we reclaim space for our friendships?
ChatGPT tells me to keep a sticky note on my nightstand as a constant reminder to check my texts before bed. That’s a start. Though a sticky note prompt doesn’t let my friend know that she matters to me. After all, I’ve left her in text message limbo. (More than once.) Of course, I’d like to safeguard against this happening as much as realistically possible. But I also know myself. This is going to happen again. Therefore, I want her to know that our relationship is very significant in my life. Even when, despite my best intentions, life ironically gets in the way.
What the Bible teaches about lasting friendship
In the Bible, friends make commitments to one another that shape the course of their lives — and their friendships. In the Book of Ruth, tragedy strikes, leaving both Naomi and her two daughters-in-law as widows. Though Noami believes they would be better off returning to their families, Ruth vows to stay: “Where you go, I will go; where you lodge, I will lodge; your people will be my people and your God; where you die, I will die, and there I will be buried…” (Ruth 1:16-17).
In the Bible, friends make commitments to one another that shape the course of their lives — and their friendships.
Ruth declares her intention for their relationship, and it is forever altered. Ruth and Naomi travel together, remain by one another’s sides, and interweave their lives. So much so, that Naomi eventually settles down with Ruth and Ruth’s new husband Boaz, helping to care for her new grandbaby.
Ruth and Naomi are bound to one another. Though even when circumstances keep friends apart, the Bible contains stories of those who remain faithful to their promises to each other. When King Saul becomes violent towards the heir to his throne, David, Jonathan – Saul’s son and David’s close friend – intervenes. He hides David, returning after three days to tell David to flee. As they make a tearful farewell, Jonathan declares, “The Lord shall be between me and you and between my descendants and your descendants forever” (1 Samuel 20:42).
Even Jesus himself makes a solemn promise to his friends during their last meal together. Knowing he will soon be put to death, after breaking bread and sharing wine together, he vows to his disciples, “I will never again drink of this fruit of the vine until that day when I drink it new with you in my Father’s kingdom (Matthew 26:29).”
All of these biblical examples share a commonality: a spoken covenant. Each is sealed by a heartfelt utterance, in one way or another, to be friends, well, forever. Maybe you’ve stood at the altar and made a vow similar to this to your future spouse. Now, perhaps thinking about friendship similarly, as “forever,” feels a little too long. Even so, does your friend know how you feel about them and your relationship? When was the last time you declared your true intentions to one another?
Practicing intentional friendship
In “The Six Forces that Fuel Friendship,” Beck asks us to think outside the box. We don’t have to view friendship as a lesser priority. She advises, “It takes imagination not to default to this norm, and to design your life so that friendship plays the role you really want it to.” She illustrates this by listing examples she’s seen of friends who buy homes together and go to therapy together. Two friends walk thirty minutes every day to give each other a high-five. This ritual lasts for years — and even survives through memory loss.
We don’t have to view friendship as a lesser priority.
Beck notes the importance of having a scheduled rhythm to help maintain our friendships: “It’s much easier when something is baked into my schedule, and all I have to do is show up.” A sticky note on my nightstand doesn’t help communicate to my friend that she matters to me. Joining a book club together might.
In her book Modern Friendship: How to Nurture Our Most Valued Connections, Anna Goldfarb lifts up friendship rituals like celebrating a “friendiversary,” or exchanging matching bracelets. She writes, “When you make space to celebrate your magical connection, you send the message that you – and your bond – matters.”
Perhaps we should dream a little then. Make space for imagining what could be. Voice our intentions out loud. In other words, let’s tell our friends they matter, create rituals together, and make promises that honor that one special thing about our relationship.
I am creating a schedule that prioritizes my friendships. On Wednesdays after work, I bring coffee to my local musician friend. While she is setting up for her evening rehearsal, we catch up about our weeks. On Thursdays after work, a friend from grade school and I have an outstanding appointment for a phone call. My friend who texted me out of the blue? We enjoy a semi-regular “tea time,” with tiny sandwiches and everything.
Do well-laid plans fall through? All the time. Will text messages still be opened and unread? Hopefully not forever. May our underlying promise remain: You, my friend, are important to me. Let me tell you why. Let me show you how…
A version of this article was published by Presbyterian Outlook on October 30, 2025.
Katy I always enjoy your thought provoking musings! I cherish my two long time friendships that I’ve had in my lifetime for over 40 years! My other two friends have added from like minded activities. I’ve learned friendships need to be cared for and cultivated like favored plants in our gardens. My mother used to tell me that in life you will only have enough true real friends as there are fingers on one hand! And you know she was right! The rest are acquaintances or people passing through our lives. And like Naomi…we are all travelers and finding treasures along the way!
Hi Barbara! Thank you as always for your thoughtful words. I miss you! I really love your analogy of caring for friendships as one would care for plants in our gardens. So true! I also love your mom’s sage advice. She was a wise woman! Hope you are well 🙂